I Plan to Move...

I'd done so well at avoiding old Lou. My lawn looked terrible, it had been two whole weeks. But the old man has been sitting on his porch every night, so my poor grass has suffered while I avoid him.

This morning I woke up at five to mow it before anyone else was out. Success! I mowed the front quickly, knowing I could take my time in the back without him bothering.

For lunch I made a trip to my neighborhood Safeway. I felt the edge of someone's shopping cart nudging my butt. Lou was peering at it, his thick glasses making his eyes magnified to a peculiar owlish look.

“Sweetheart! I been calling you! Something's wrong with your phone.”

Thank the heavens for small favors. I set my phone to the fax the other day and completely forgot about it.

“It's broke,” I agreed.

Because he's deaf, he then shouted, “Well, I want to ask you out. Take you to dinner.”

The entire store got so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The only person who didn't get quiet was Lou.

I tried to whisper, my face beet red. “Lou, you know I'm really busy.”

“You gotta have some free time, babe. And I'm so lonely, I can't get used to this single life. It's bad on the weekends.” He motioned his TV dinner filled cart. “That's why I decided I'm gonna take a trip to visit my sister in Kansas, so I'm buying all this food for Ronald. The kid can't cook.”

The kid is also fifty-four and still lives at home.

“No wonder he's single,” I murmured, like he was a prize.

Old Lou laughed heartily. “The kid needs a stepmother,” he agreed, blatantly looking at my J-Lo butt again.

The checkers were still silent, waiting to see what'd happen next.

“Good luck with your trip,” I called, grabbing my bag from the slow-ass woman who was holding onto it tightly. I jerked it from her grasp with a glare.

“Need him to help you out with that?” she asked, jerking her head over her shoulder in Lou's direction.

Bitch.

“No. I got it.” I said succinctly.

“You think about dinner,” Old Lou called. “I'll look you up when I get back. I've seen some of your dates picking you up, but they never come back for a second one, do they? That's cause you don't know how to treat a man, babe.”

I had walked halfway out the silent store by now. So I turned back.

I flipped him the bird.

He turned toward our checker. “See what I mean?” he asked her.

She nodded sympathetically.